My mom has been asked quite a bit lately how I'm doing. You see, recently my doggie brother Cohen went to heaven. Now some of you may stop reading this post right here because grief is terrible and hard and I get that. I totally understand if your heart has weathered too much today and don't want to read further about my puppy grief. But for those of you who are open, I just have to get a few things off my heart.
My doggie brother, Cohen, and I were together for a few months shy of 10 years. I came into the family as a 4 year old pup suuuuper out of my element, but the second I met my doggie brother, I knew everything would be okay. We clicked instantly. No fights. No weird territorial things, just instant connection. Over the years we made a million memories and got into trouble thousands of times! I'm wiping a few puppy tears thinking of all our antics, both from laughing and from sorrow. You see, that's the thing about grief. One minute you're crying, the next you're laughing, the next you feel guilty about laughing, the next minute you accept, the next minute you deny, the next minute you accept reality, then you go right back to crying! Grief is intense.
I've had a lot of time to think in the last few weeks since I lost my brother. One of the most intense questions I keep asking myself is would I have rather never met Cohen so I wouldn't feel this profound pain from his loss? Or am I thankful I had the opportunity to unabashedly love someone so much? Is all the joy over the years worth the vulnerability of my heart breaking into a thousand pieces? The answer I come back to every time is YES it was worth it. It was worth connecting my heart to someone and understanding true companionship. It was worth going to sleep every night for the last 9.5 years and hearing his heart beating next to me, calming mine. All of that was worth it.
If I'm being really honest right now, I am really sad. I'm not at a point where I'm "over it" or "feeling much better." I'm still sad and that's okay. My mom is watching me, petting me, hugging me, reminding me how loved I am, reminding me we will see Cohen again one day. Little by little I'm getting better, but right now I'm just sad. And that's okay. I'm not going to run or hide from my emotions. Cohen was worth this grief. His companionship was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. He's worth me really truly going through this, not avoiding any of the pain, not trying to pretend everything is better.
So, if you've been wondering how I've been doing, this is the honest truth. I'm sad, but grateful for the life we lived together. I'm taking one day. And that's the best I can do.
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